feeling too much and the psalms

“My joy is like Spring, so warm
It makes flowers bloom all over the Earth.
My pain is like a river of tears,
So vast it fills the four oceans.”
-from "Call Me by My True Names", Thich Nhat Hanh

I've lately felt that I feel too much. I feel my own emotions too much. I feel the pain (and hopefully joys) of the world too much. Of course, I'm exaggerating a bit - I don't really think I could quite ever feel too much. Rather, I'm glad that I empathize and am sensitive to the emotional contours of lots of experiences. It's a gift and a developed skill in some sense - but one can still wish to curse their gifts.

Of course, this is once again originally in response to a boy / in thinking about future/hypothetical boy. I was thinking, I need someone who can take my harsh words sometimes. As much as I desire not to be violent in deed or word, I think I would need someone who I could "beat up on" in a sense - who can take my raw, honest blows, and my emotion-filled ones. And simultaneously know whether to grab the essence of it, hang on to it for awhile and wrestle with it - or to just absorb it or let it slide off his back. And he would need to be adept at both taking those blows directed toward him and those directed at...*and this is where I had a little epiphany.*

I first thought "men" (generally speaking - you know, patriarchy, all that jazz),
then I thought "the world,"
then "sin/evil,"
and then I had this flood of things that I wrote into my journal. I will share an edited version, as this is the internet - a place where it is good to be at least a little discerning in what one writes.

I had a quite long list of things I wish to rail against at times, and toward which I wish to direct my river of tears - after "sin/evil," it continues:
poverty
illness (mental, physical, and otherwise)
disability
accidents
waves of sadness and pain for seemingly no reason but that I seem to feel the hurt of the world so deeply inside of me
hopelessness
realism
idealism
God
Jesus
structures and systems of oppression - or even just ones that are annoying or I don't agree with
bad dreams
bad memories
guilt
frustration
disappointment
self-doubt
fear of loss
loneliness - in both times of being alone, and in being with another person(s)
tiredness
boredom - oh, lord help me, please fend off boredom
purposelessness
lack of clarity about vocation
hate
genocide
lack of forgiveness
death
punishment
war
all the -isms
feeling trapped
lack of patience
vices
procrastination

...And I could go on and on.

And then I thought - well, I guess that's what God is for - taking all those harsh blows and those tears about all the things of the world that we get angry and cry about. That's a pretty tall order for any human person, if that's what God is for. But you know, the thing is, we human beings are made of bodies that cry actual tears and writhe about in anguish. And I firmly believe that God works through us as social beings - we reach out for and to other people who live and cry and writhe and rejoice in their bodies too. So anyway - while I think it's probably a lot to ask of any one person (a partner or otherwise) who would take all of those harsh words and tears themselves - they can still wrap their arms around a person who's needing to let all those things out. And I think that in the context of community, there are probably enough persons who could in conjunction absorb and comfort all of that pain.

And then I went to Wednesday evening programming at church on my evening off (yes, I am an utter and total church nerd), and though I wasn't planning to sign up for any Bible studies this fall, as soon as I heard, "a study on the Psalms," I thought - the Psalms - that's what I need. The Psalmist rails against God, rails against enemies, but also returns to God's comfort and steadfastness again and again. In addition to probably doing some things like working out, spending time in nature and contemplation, I think exploring the Psalms might help me to feel more grounded - to embrace and feel all of these diverse feelings directed in different directions - but perhaps from a centered place.

We shall see - I may drop my enthusiasm for this Psalms idea after a few days, just as I have become overwhelmed with my ever-growing list of ideas, to-do's, projects, plans, people to communicate with, super-important things to incorporate into my daily and weekly and monthly routine, etc., etc.

But I hope
that this effort to center myself
will prove somewhat effective
or successful.
I hope
to slow
down,
that I
may not
be overcome with each of these feelings,
but take them one at a time,
feel them,
creatively express them,
direct them where need be,
and let them rest.

Yes, feeling them all at once is liable to tear me up, inside and out.



*yay for epiphanies. i think this is what i'm getting at when i say i like "surprise" - i'm into people and things surprising me, and epiphanies are like "aha" moments that totally take you by surprise, make you dig a little deeper, offer wisdom, help connect the dots, etc.