i'm f-ing tired of this

this removable hand splint is one of the most deceptive piece of equipment i've ever encountered and has led me to probably the most difficult stage of recovery. i keep thinking, oh surely i now have enough strength and mobility in my hand to put lotion on my other arm - nope, that hand is pretty limp still when it comes to doing anything normal like driving or rubbing in lotion or clipping nails or slicing a tomato - curse this left hand! and for some reason i can no longer put my bra on with one hand - i've been doing fine for the past 3 weeks, but this morning it takes at least 3 tries to make it happen. and i have to freaking take the bus everywhere - i believe in the bus and wish i did it more often and everything, but i have things i could be getting done with those extra half hours each way i'm spending getting places - like writing this eco-theologies paper that i should be excited about but have been dreading and avoiding. i just can't seem to get my shit together post-accident, and it f-ing frustrates me - i just want to be normal and functional again. i don't want to not have things together for my pre-school spanish class that in general is such a refreshing and exciting thing. and it's not like my hand is the only reason i'm not on top of things - it's largely just me not being on top of things. but the hand compounds things, and it's just hella-frustrating. i know better now why people who sustain injuries more substantial than a broken wrist struggle with depression. it also frustrates me that i should be learning "life lessons" or some bull shit like that right now, because, you know, God sometimes places things in our life that make us stop and reflect and rest and whatever else accidents and un-achievements, etc. are supposed to do for us. i have hardly at all felt any of that rest and relaxation, letting go and letting God, and whatever else - i've just been unable to do it - and that further frustrates me - aren't I supposed to be attuned to the ways God works in our lives, or something like that? - isn't that what divinity school is supposed to help us do?

end of rant. for the moment. i haven't cried enough through all of this, and i needed to take this moment - away from the paper and everything else that i'm putting off already - to do it. i also need to get out of this house.

may the peace that "passes all understanding" flood our lives.