deacon discernment

An e-mail to a friend while sitting in a coffee shop - thought I'd post it, b/c it's basically a journal entry anyway, but not so personal that i can't share it with others on a blog:

Danny made another comment today, saying something to the effect of, "who knows - you might come to the end of this year, and discern that you're actually called to-" and I filled in "the order of the deacon?" and he continued "word, order, sacrament" - then I said, "or maybe word, service, sacrament? - and they just need to change things at General Conference to include the sacrament to deacon's orders?" And he said "maybe," like "yeah, right". And I changed the topic to the fact that we need to re-institute Al's Pub in the Commons.

Blah - I'm not sure what's up with folks. When I think of becoming an elder, it makes me want to quit the whole process, but when I think of becoming a deacon and doing exciting, yet-un-imagined work, I feel invigorated. Maybe I'm too much an idealist. I think I need to ask Peter more about his decision from social work toward ordained ministry - except that I don't know that he did that much discernment, just fell into it, because he ended up in div. school chasing a girl that he liked (and subsequently married, then divorced).

I get the feeling that:
a) people still hold the order of the deacon as not as high a call as elder, or that the order of the deacon isn't really something to be aspired to
b) people are still so unsure of the order of the deacon - they don't know if it'll still be around in a few years, or if it'll still be the same thing in a few years - so it kind of invalidates the whole concept of the order as a potentially distinct order of ministry, separate from the order of the elder, etc.

But I am comfortable living in the tension of un-definition, of being a guinea pig, of imagining something completely new - just give me the freedom to do so!

Also, I've felt more ok about my advisor's opinion of my pursual of the order of deacon lately, but I mentioned something about not being a preacher (like, it's not in my nature), and he said something to the effect of "if you understand the gospel to be relevant to people's lives, you need to express that" - or something of the sort - like, the world needs to hear the gospel, and somebody has to tell it to them, and if you understand that, you need to be willing to tell it. And I was like, yeah, I understand that, and I'm not opposed to preaching, but I think it might just be more a question of how often, and he laughed a little bit. He also said maybe my hesitancy is a good thing, because it means I don't take it too lightly/facile-ly (if that's an adverb). A certain amount of nervous-ness, according to Brad Braxton (-the- homiletician), is helpful. And I of course deal with that in my "senior sermon" - again frequency of preaching, and how life-giving that process is for the "preacher" might be important factors.

I do hope that we can have some conversations about our personal vocations in our Turner mtgs. together, because I personally would like to engage the other fellows in conversation about my own vocation - I feel like I when I talk to some folks, I'm affirmed in my pursual of the order of the deacon, and when I talk to others, they seem to be just waiting for me to change my mind. I almost feel like I need to hear others have a conversation about my own vocation in order to get a clearer sense of where folks are coming from when we talk one-on-one.

Also about Danny's comment - it came out of my mention of talking to another potential deacon track person that was at the open house, and Danny was saying how either they're going to have to work on speeding up undergrad students' discernment processes so that they're surer earlier about a call to ordained ministry, or the Turner folks will have to be more open/flexible to an un-surer/un-clearer calling/articulation of calling - so that they can keep the members of the program diverse - b/c most of the folks that are sure of their calling are older/second-career folks. It just reminded me of the language my Hendrix mentors JJ and Wayne used - they would just talk about how it behooves students to figure it out earlier than later, so you can get through the candidacy process as quickly as possible, and such as that. And I agree - I think it really helps to just be in dialogue about it with students, esp. as you see particular students that you see oriented in that direction.

But I think it's also really scary to speed up the process too much, because one of the things you're supposed to be sure of in the candidacy process is that you couldn't/shouldn't be doing anything else in the world besides this - and if you don't have as much life experience, then maybe you don't really know that yet. And sometimes I wonder if I was hurried too much into this - of course, I can totally get out any time I want, but committing to a grad. degree program definitely pushes you in a particular direction - and once you're commissioned, you're kind of committed to start doing work for the UMC - you're not really given the option of doing a little of this and a little of that - start a business (unless it's your "ministry" that's starting the "business" maybe?) if you want, etc. And maybe that's why I'm attracted to the order of deacon - b/c in theory it should allow me to do something I'm passionate about that's not necessarily just about "ministry" - like study a language, if I'm going to another country, etc.

So, yeah - pretty much, I love the order of the deacon, and while I'd be ok carving out my own way in this process, I'm kind of frustrated when I have to carve with such force, over and against the order of the elder. I guess it's all part and parcel of the discernment process - but it's kind of ticking me off. I was going to say that maybe once I'm certified, I won't have to think about it that much - but oh yeah - I'm in this program that's predicated on me being ordained, and hopefully as an elder, but technically I can also do the deacon thing.

Bleh.

On to Hebrew Bible studying and God, Econ, and Poverty writing. I can't wait for Thanksgiving - except that I've already stressed my mom out with my list of want-to-do's - it's a whole week off of school and at home, and I'm a list-maker - what else am I supposed to do? Not mention the list to my mom - b/c it stresses her out.

PS - I heart Portland Brew now. It's cute and stays open until 9 instead of 8 like Bongo Java (in E. Nashville).