the bizarrest, most interesting religious talks i've ever had

...have been with my current housemate, dean. 

on the drive to church yesterday morning, the conversations flowed like this:

d: "i shot" (finger points up in the air)
j: "you heard a gun shot last night?"
d: "no, a shot" (shows me his finger pointing up in the air)
j: "dean, it's not nice to pretend to shoot a gun, i want you to stop doing that, please"
d: "no, a shot" (shows me his finger as a syringe, giving a shot to his other arm)
j: "oh, like you're getting a shot - i see"
d: "yeah, i gave him a shot, he's better"
j: "who'd you give a shot to? are you talking about jerry, since he's sick?"
d: "no, that one" (points up in the air)
j: "oh, you mean god? you gave god a shot?"
d: "right"
j: "so god is sick?"
d: "no, he's better"
j: "so, god was sick - but you gave god a shot, and now god is better?"
d: "right. i've got the power. in my hands."

next conversation, as we drive past cemetery:
d: "driver's dead"
j: "yeah, your brother driver is dead?"
d: "yeah, i'll be dead"
j: "yeah, i guess you will die some day. we all die some day."
d: "right, i'm going to be dead.  i'm a vampire."
j: "you mean, you're going to be a vampire when you die?"
d: "right, i've got it. in my room" (motions like he's putting in fake vampire teeth)
j: "so, you've got your vampire teeth ready for when you die and become a vampire?"
d: "yeah" (and motions like he's rubbing fake blood on his lips)

next conversation, as we're getting closer to the church:
d: "they've got water at church" (motions like he's scooping water and pouring it onto himself)
j: "yeah, you want to be baptized?"
d: "right. my name is jesus christ.  they've got water there."
j: "hmm...well, maybe we should talk to judi about baptism.  and i'm not sure if you've been baptized before or not.  maybe we should talk to jerry about that, since he might know whether you've been baptized already."
d: "right. i'm jesus christ."

oh, wow.  and of course, i could also mention the brief digression from these other topics of utmost theological significance, which happened between the 1st 2 conversations, as we passed a billboard for mcdonald's:

d: "they've got orange juice."
j: "yep, there's juice and smoothies on that mcdonald's sign."
d: "i got strawberry. strawberry. strawberry." (motions hands to the beat of his song/chant about "strawberry")
j: sms (shaking my shoulders), silent laughter, loud laughter, "dean, you crack me up"
d: "strawberry. strawberry. strawberry." (motions hands as above)
j: sms, silent laughter, loud laughter

i have suuuuuuch interesting housemates.  and to top it all off, ronez could not stop laughing and smirking all through worship.  what was his deal?  we'll never know.  but it brings me joy.

pieces coming together, all the time

some recent "future community with adults with and without intellectual disabilities" developments (aka "l'arche," as i and most people checking in with me refer to it - but i really shouldn't use this actual term, because "l'arche" may or may not happen in nashville, and i have not even brought together an organization that would eventually become anything associated with "l'arche").

-met a new friend who would also like to start "l'arche" nashville and contacted l'arche usa about this possibility awhile back

-edgehill umc, where the guys and i have been attending, just had a 4-week sunday school series on "brain disorders", including intellectual/developmental disabilities, mental/emotional disorders, and brain injury/disease.  the "what do we do now" piece is moving toward a sunday school class and perhaps a special worship service (and/or a re-vamping of worship services already in place) for adults with intellectual disabilities.  exciting!!

-met with the nashville district committee on ministry twice this spring, and they're enthusiastic about supporting my current and future ministry with persons with intellectual disabilities.  so much so that they approved me to transfer into the district from my home district in north texas.  and they approved me to enter the commissioning process (hello, paper-writing this summer/fall!). 

-my new dentist told me about a ministry at his church and a few other churches in this region called "stone soup" - a weekly respite evening for parents of children and young adults with intellectual disabilities.  more people to learn from, and maybe even partner with!

-i continue to be in conversation with friends of l'arche atlanta and the central region coordinator of l'arche usa about future possibilities of living in some l'arche communities.  i'm extremely looking forward to those tentative opportunities!

joyful phrases and actions of my everyday life

uncontrollable laughter and smiling - my response: "what's so funny?"...when it's my verbal housemate: "you!", when it's my non-verbal housemate: more uncontrollable laughter and smiling
rocking / dancing
moonwalk
"you want some more?"

housemate backs into room [like everyone else can't see him if he can't see them], turns to non-verbal housemate and says "ssshhh" [like he's going to say something?!], turns to me, and says "boo!!"

a housemate who says he's a vampire, the real santa clause, jesus christ, michael jackson...

my developing dictionary of terms of one of my housemate's personal dialect:
"b - o - chi" = "big ol' cheese" = mac'n'cheese /cheese pizza / cheeseburger [my favorites are words that have multiple definitions / cognates!]
"honky-cho" = remote control
"eminem" = M&M's / lemonade
Meehh...fi-fuh! = Merry Christmas!
fi-foh = billfold
feh-fie = french fries

some of the most dramatic scenes you've ever scene, e.g. housemate realizes i've forgotten to give him his glasses for the day. i say, 'go ahead and get your coat on while i get them.' he says: 'i can't. i can't seee,' and proceeds to pretend to cry, close eyes, and wander aimlessly around living room, pretending he's both blind and doesn't know how to use his other senses.

the use of general terms for individuals:
good dog - as in "stay back, good dog"..."good job, good dog!"
white woman - as in "that's white woman job!"..."white woman cooks"..."white woman helps with bath"..."i get in white woman car"
woman - "woman sing!"..."woman song!"

uncontrollable laughter and smiling

my name is jesus christ

I've said I would mainly be recording here my own thoughts and reflections as my work so leads me, and not so much record what the people I work with say or do. That is primarily what I'm doing here, but it flows out of something one of my housemates has said/done, so I must include that.

So, basically - one of my housemates likes to say, "My name is Jesus Christ...see, I've got the power in my hands."  The first time he said this, we were driving down the road from church, and I said, "Really? Are you saying that you are Jesus Christ?"  He said, "Right - I'm Jesus Christ. See?" as he showed me the palms of his hands. 

I said, "and are you saying that you have marks on your hands like where your hands were nailed to the cross?"  He said, "Right."  I'm not sure if he quite got what I was asking him about the nails in his hands - I think he's primarily focused on his hands because he sees clergy and music leaders use their hands to connote important moments, and that is where his power resides to make tubes of toothpaste disappear, snow to appear, and rain to stop - "See? I make the power in my hands."  

I then said, "Wow, that freaks me out a little bit.  I didn't know I was driving around Jesus Christ in my car every day."

And then I realized - well, actually I have been driving around Jesus Christ in my car every day.  My housemate was absolutely correct - I encounter Jesus every day in both my housemates.  Assuming that Jesus was relating himself to the king in his parable in Matthew 25, I can only hope that whatever good I do with "the least of these" that I live and work with, I am doing to Jesus.  And I can only hope that Jesus forgives me for asking him to make his toothpaste re-appear, asking him to keep his mouth shut when I'm tired of listening, and determining that it's not his job to lock and unlock the car doors. 

And I hope that something of the spirit of my housemate's prayers will rub off on me - "Dear Father,  My name is Jesus Christ.  I can help you.  I make the power, I make the sunshine...Thank you for the good food.  God help you.  Amen." 

And may I find more joy and humor than annoyance every time my housemate wishes not to shave, because he wants to "keep his beard" - because he's Jesus Christ, or Santa Clause, or Michael Jackson (because Michael Jackson ever had a beard?). 

Oh, life at its fullest.

leaving home - again?

for reasons partly-beknownst to me, i've been dragging my feet for months upon months to send an email to my home district of the umc in tx to have paperwork sent to the nashville district, so that i can transfer into the tn conference for my candidacy for ordination.  i discerned and decided to make this big next step back in the spring/summer 2010.  the task of sending that email request has traveled from to-do list to to-do list for months.  but i just now finally got it in me to finally do it. 

and i realized more than a few tears later...that leaving home is tough - even when you've been physically gone for more than 8 years.  my connection to the north texas conference / wichita falls district of the umc was one of my last ties to home (aside from my nuclear family, some other relatives, the house that i went to high school in, and the congregation i grew up in, of course - but i don't go to church or live in that house anymore - i only communicate with and occasionally visit my family, and now they come and visit me for holidays sometimes even).

anyway - so it means one more step into adulthood, one more jump into the abyss of this next dream of l'arche, one more push into a new beginning, a new chapter, a new(/ 3-1/2-year-old) place, etc. 

and maybe it's just that i hadn't cried in awhile, and i was due some good catharsis - but i think those tears had been building for about 6 months, not just a few weeks. 

oh, home. oh, place. oh, roots. oh, identity. oh, becoming a professional. oh, real life.

adventures in the life of

never ceases to amaze me. something new absolutely every day.  i think i will actually be breaking confidentiality to report here basically the same thing (plus dramatic re-telling) i wrote on an incident report for work, so i'll try not to do so.  but suffice it to say - i recently dealt with a minor emergency (shutting of a finger in car door) with a housemate of mine.  2 days letter, dealt with a missing bandage.  currently: getting up every night to give antibiotics to prevent infection to said wound.

the adventures never cease.  to happen.  to confound me.  to send me into orbit.  to make me laugh.  to make me worry too.

where everyobody knows your name...and the things that make you tick...and loves you for them

just have to say that an impromptu drop-by the vds annual alumni reunion on friday was lovely.  admittedly, i nodded through the cole lecture (if i'd been at the part 1 lecture the night before, maybe i'd been more engaged?...and if i'd not stayed up the night before looking at one more thing online, then another).  but then i came to the lunch that i wasn't previously aware of, and chatted with folks the rest of the afternoon until time to go pick up the guys.  i ranted to a couple of friends about my recent frustrations with my employer, apologizing for myself along the way, answered by "it's worth ranting about...i want to hear about this...questions are good...you're a jewel, they're lucky to have you...and by the way, you look great."  thank you, dear people who know what i need to hear, when i need to hear it.

in one of jean vanier's books, i believe it was, there's a bit in there about how community is not a place where the first priority is that all would be close friends, telling each other "you're fabulous"..."you are too"..."we're fabulous together."  (he actually uses the word "fabulous.")  rather, he says it is a place where we're honest with one another, and find a way to live peaceably together even when one or more community members don't especially rub us the right way.

and i agree with him - i think it's that kind of commitment that has held together my family and the circles of community of which i've been a part.

however - i also have to say that it's those "you're fabulous...you are too" moments that give me life, and make the other moments tolerable - whether the not-so-fabulous moments with those same friends, or the not-so-fabulous moments that recur with other people in my life that must remain present for one reason or another.

and that is why i love doing coffee with dear friends.  more often than not, especially those "catching up, i don't see you often enough" coffees end with us mutually saying to one another "you're fabulous, i'm so glad we got together, we need to do this more often, i enjoy spending time with you."

i've been spoiled, i suppose.  i haven't had that many situations in life where i didn't have a pervasively "fabulous" core community of folks.  at sojo, we read the jean vanier chapter referenced above, and i felt totally prepared to have a void of "fabulous" feelings during the course of that year.  and sure enough, we certainly had our moments, and some relationships became closer than others at different points in the year - but in the end, we had our little love-letter worship-fest with many genuine words resounding "you are fabulous...we are fabulous together." 

because of this and so many other examples in my life - and probably also because i have so many pastoral-type folks in my life, as i enter the profession myself - i can't really imagine not having mutually-"fabulous" folks around me for more than brief stints of time.

and at the moment, as i sit in my naive, self-righteous frustration with my not-so-pastoral, not-so-prophetic, not-so-spiritually-concerned employer, i am grateful for being in close physical proximity to my already-formed "fabulous" nashville community, i look toward helping to form community in the future which edifies each of its members, and i seek peace, kind words, and the proper diplomatic strategy for dealing with my employer.

good habits: indulging?

i was just reading a blog post from my dear friend jacquie's blog, about how habits form us. for example, she mentions the practice of generosity makes us generous, patience patient - and likewise practicing envy makes us envious, gluttony gluttonous.

of course, i'm no fan of gluttony. i "did simple living" for a year of internship and intentional community with sojourners, i spent time at a monastery last summer, i've been on lots and lots of mission trips that have conveyed to me the great big gap that exists between poverty and wealth, in our own country and internationally. blah, blah, blah - hopefully we've all had experiences that make us want to live more austere lifestyles - if nothing more than a beggar on the street or a commercial about a starving kid in a developing country (though i think it is very easy not to be sensitized to either of these situations - i know i'm not usually especially moved by either one - call me cold-hearted - maybe i am in some ways, but i also know that i've cried way too many tears about the pain and suffering of those enduring such to be entirely cold-hearted).

anyway - i'm actually more a fan of moderation. at the soj, our intern class allowed its members to do the travelling each one deemed necessary (in my case, visiting grad schools), and we decided that some processed foods like tortilla chips and salsa were acceptable for inclusion in our community purchases. and the monastery i spent time in was a benedictine one - an order which has always tended toward the moderate - as sister lynne said, community is our...oh, shoot - basically, living in community is the difficult practice we adhere to. we don't take vows of poverty, of hunger, etc. - rather, we commit ourselves to the difficult practice of living life together. that is enough.

that's why i like moderation - and why i like community.

but really all of that commentary is less here than there.

what the words "gluttony" and "habits" got me to thinking of is...one of my favorite things: indulging.

it kind of goes along with my gratitude for the "sense of the special" i inherited from my mom (or a sense of the "speshool," as i spelled it once in a mother's day card, i believe) - the red plate meant for birthdays and good report cards, overflowing easter baskets, st. patrick's day cards, halloween socks. i also inherited this from college hall-neighbors who always had a stash of dove dark chocolates at the ready for any down-moment, blah-day, or necessary celebration.

i may just blow my mind a little bit here - because i'm finding myself come to some theological language here - "sabbath." sabbath is most certainly in the category of practices, habits - i would purport it to be a good one. and i think the word sabbath holds in tension two things that can seem like polar opposites: rest/simplicity and enjoyment of the fullness of life. in college, we talked about sabbath practices that we could take up - including some examples like not buying anything on sunday, not driving anywhere, etc. - things that allow other people who usually serve us to rest, allow the earth to rest, allow us to rest, etc. but the notion is that you also have to give something up in order to make those things happen (a sense of productivity, busy-ness, comfort, etc.). but of course you're not forbidden from enjoyment by making your life more simple - rather, the idea is that you might actually enjoy life more if you take time for rest and simplicity.

however, the two can of course come into conflict. some folks' sunday/sabbath practice for their meal after church is to go out to eat - we shall rest by not cooking our own meal, we shall enjoy the fullness of life by eating a nice meal. other folks' sunday/sabbath practice for their post-worship meal is to eat a family meal - we shall let others rest by not going out, we shall enjoy the fullness of life by enjoying family time together, we shall enjoy the fullness of life by taking the time to cook a meal together. and of course the idea in the jewish tradition, seventh day adventist tradition, and some conservative churches (for some reason, i remember reading of this in the little house on the prairie) is that you absolutely rest on the sabbath - thus you prepare everything before sundown the day before, so that there is no work left to do on the sabbath, including meal prep - for you or anyone else.

of course, i don't have any real "moral of the story" or point here - just reflections on what it might mean to have a habit of indulging. does indulging make us big, fat americans? (my hunch: i don't think so, necessarily - i don't think there's much a "sense of the special" that goes along with "biggie-sizing" something - such an act feels to me like something that tends to be more mindless - not so special, not much a sense of indulgence, but a sense of "wow, i could get even more for just a few more cents - of course. more is better, discounts are good." i say this, also recognizing that i'm sure there are plenty of folk out there for who the biggie-sizing act is the ultimate "big treat" for the week or month or year. i also do not pretend to be exempt from the "more is better, discounts are good" mindset sometimes, nor do i pretend to be incredibly austere and simple in my living. i live comfortably enough for the moment.)

or does indulging make us people who savor life - and who seek to create conditions of life for others which might be restful and joyful?

i sure as hell (this is funny, because i don't believe in hell - this is purely a colloquial turn of phrase for me) hope it's the latter, because i love me some dove dark chocolates, happy birthday banners, naps, retreats, massages, having my bit of fun before getting to work, good meals at home and in restaurants, a good cup of coffee, a good cup of tea, a fun card, a leisurely breakfast, a good movie, a new piece of clothing i've either been meaning to buy or just jumped out and grabbed me, a fabulous pair of earrings, a bouquet of cut flowers, a nice walk through a farmer's market, a long phone call, a hearty laugh,...,...,...

another tension i have a hard time holding for myself is again this tension between myself resting/enjoying and others resting/enjoying - when the savoring of life comes into conflict with the sense of justice and working toward conditions of life that are restful and joyful for all. so it's not only about eating out or eating in. my happy birthday banner was probably made in a factory in china, my earrings and piece of clothing also - my coffee, tea, chocolates, and flowers likely from farms where the farmers were paid not-near-enough to support them and their families. the movie i see may perpetuate a million stereotypes. can i perhaps continue to take joy in those things as they are - while also striving and working toward a world where all farmers and workers are paid fair wages and treated humanely?

jeez, i hope so. it comes back to the moderation and community piece. i love me a good piece of chocolate - and my community comes back and tells me, that's great - eat this fair trade, quality-chocolate one, instead of this not-so-great, processed, not-so-fair-trade one.

sometimes all the fun or positive meaning might be sucked out of an item or activity, by learning more about it and the conditions of its production - ex: i don't ever want a diamond ring (i hadn't ever had that cultural expectation ingrained in me anyway, though). but i like a good piece of sausage on occasion (whether i can find it local or grocery-store), i'm going to eat most any chocolate in front of me, etc.

i have a feeling that not one sentence of this post makes sense, as it is late, and my thoughts were already scattered.

so i end.

love.
jessica

becoming more like my mother every day

ranting, writing letters, and the like. many (of the few) who actually read my blog likely have already heard my unrest and disappointment with my employer in its unjust employment practices. i'm figuring out (more slowly than my mom, probably - i do take after my dad in some strong ways) my facts and figures, and the proper avenues for addressing said issues. and i plan to push things as far as i possibly can, whether things at progress (the name of my employer - how ironic) change or not while i'm still there. i've inherited a nagging sensitivity to injustice, a strong persistence, and a voice that will raise just as loud as it needs to make itself heard.

expletives when little things go wrong in the kitchen - or elsewhere. i "normally" consider myself a pretty patient, calm person - the little, unimportant things roll off my back, and only after time, building up annoyance, and wearing of nerves, do the outbursts (public or private) occur. however, i also know that i sometimes over-react to certain little things - as i have as of late. examples: as soon as i discovered this past saturday morning that one of my housemates/clients had not only touched but picked up and moved a live mouse trap recently set by maintenance in our house, i shouted a couple of choice expletives multiple times, then asked very sternly whether the assumed culprit had done what i thought he had, and so on and so forth. yes, it was good for me to convey to both my housemates that it is not a good thing to touch mouse traps nor to touch rodents that might be discovered in our home - but the expletives that bubbled out of me - maybe not so much. (though i must say, my housemate that speaks usually only scolds me "watch your mouth," whenever i curse in un-warranted, low-stress situations. the first time he repeated after me in mockingbird fashion, *shit*, i realized i probably ought to "watch my mouth" a little more closely.) and then a few minutes later when one of the housemates refused to take his medicine in the way that i'd given it to him, i expressed the same 2 just-used expletives a few more times. my thought, which also came out in words: i take f-ing (sans the actual expletive - just the f) good care of you every day, i'm looking out for your best interest - just take the medicine!

i suppose said expletives are actually the result of what i originally mentioned - built-up annoyances, worn nerves - which is why i'm taking time without pay in october. however, i do find myself expressing little melodramatic shrieks in the kitchen when I burn, almost-burn, cut, or almost-cut a finger, drop something, let something spill, boil over, etc. they're not quite mom's "ssss" sound she makes when dad drives up too close to someone in traffic, enjoys the scenery too much, or decides to drive too fast or too slow at any point in time - or the yelps she makes when she hurts, or almost-hurts, herself in the kitchen, bathroom, hallway, or bedroom. but my yelps are generally variations on her theme - the same need to verbalize one's initial emotional reactions, with my own personality and a few chilean curse words thrown in.

getting excited about preparing for an early morning birthday celebration. tomorrow is one of my housemates' birthday, and he's super-into his birthday. so i went to the party store on monday and bought: balloons (including a helium-inflated mylar one), "happy birthday" banner, a red birthday hat, little birthday flag things to stick in his food/cake, picked up a card from me and one from ronez, and found the kind of water bottle he's been nagging me about wanting since we first met [basically one like i have: "you have you have 2 in your room, give me one, i like it, it's my favorite"]. i'm blowing up the balloons and getting the hat ready tonight, so i can take them across the hall to him when i wake him up. then, i'll stick a little happy birthday flag in *eggs* (he LOVES eggs! and asks for them many-many mornings). and he'll get his gift and cards at the breakfast table - as my mom did for 18 or so years of my life - plus all of the trivial little holidays she decided warranted gifts (like st. patrick's day, valentine's day, halloween, etc. - one must have an appropriately-sized collection of holiday socks). then in the evening, when i'm off (oops, i wasn't thinking about birthdays when i scheduled my time off for october), my relief staff will prepare hot dogs, cupcakes, and ice cream that i also gathered ahead of time.

i love birthdays. i subjected my college roommate to the same early-morning-hung (usually) foil happy birthday banner each year of college on her birthday. and i shall subject many more folks i share space with in the future to such practices. thanks mom, for a sense of the special.

more good things

as of late, good things:

-an upcoming trip to knoxville to see my dear friends rebecca, carlos, and their not-so-baby-anymore jonah! harvest/housewarming party, here i come! my dear friends colin and laurel may also come from sewanee. and i may also get to see my dear friends anna and chris too!

-kennedy center is having a first annual congregation inclusion conference at the beginning of october - i have high hopes for it being a breath of fresh air. http://kc.vanderbilt.edu/vkc_dev/Fcet/Default.aspx?id=2297&type=event

-yoga this morning at sanctuary for yoga with dear friend laura. maybe this will motivate me to do something work-out-ish (and even spiritual) once a week even. routine-struggles aside, this morning was good practice.

-poetry last night and tomorrow night at scarritt-bennett. last night was a particular poet reading a few of her poems for a group and taking questions afterward. tomorrow night is a group of folks reading poems from poets all over latin america and spain - and there'll be some music, and apparently close to 100 folks attending the event. i often ache for more spanish in my life, and it'll be especially nice to be around native speakers. oh, for how to bring together all my passions (latino culture, earth-mindedness, monasticism, community, folks with developmental disabilities, music...) into the same place and time, so that i might not have to wander all over creation to feel each part of my soul resonate.

love.
jessica

a few of my favorite things

my sister and i both really love "the sound of music," and my sister has started a blog of her favorite things, in an effort to focus on the happy things in life.

i also keep a list of "good things" at the back of whatever journal i'm keeping at the time, in reference to martha stewart's "it's a good thing."

this keeping track of the simple, or not-so-simple, joys in life is a good discipline, i think - and i thought i'd offer a sample of said "good things" / "favorite things" right now.

this is part of a bouquet of zinnias, combflower, basil, and a couple other flowers. i got it from the e.nash. farmers market last week - a place which is certainly one of my favorite places in the world.

now, cut flowers are generally one of my favorite things in life. when my college roommate jennifer and i won some sort of dorm room decor contest (best use of space, maybe?), we received a kroger card - which we together designated as "the flower fund." isn't that such a good idea? it was such a treat - keeping flowers in our room - for free, because we'd been so awesome at arranging our room. of course, kroger isn't the most ideal place for buying flowers - but it met our college-aged need/desire for a bit of natural beauty brought indoors.

so imagine my delight when i'm able to buy local cut flowers and keep them in my space (not for free, but hey, i have a big-girl job with a [bottom-of-the-barrel] salary now).

and because i was especially feeling the need for flowers in my own space, i picked out all my favorites from the bouquet and put an especially big, beautiful group of flowers in my bedroom - and put the rest (still a decent, lovely mix) together in the living room.

can't you just hear a bit of "raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens" right now?

..."and then i don't feel so bad."


and here, another lovely thing. i bought a lavender plant for the guys awhile back (which i think got too much water when it rained early on, so it's not been looking too hot - but that's neither here nor there).

i recently tore off a little sprig of it to see if the leaves, not just the flowers, would smell and even make a difference in a space like my bedroom.

verdict = the leaves are very fragrant, and it continues to smell-em-good if i actually get close to the sprig. i think the flowers and oil from the plant are certainly the most fragrant - but i was getting impatient, so this is still nice.

and doesn't the sprig look lovely against the dresser cloth i inherited from my great grandmother Mom Armstrong after she passed away and her few things still with her in the nursing home got passed along? (it still says "Velma Armstrong" in sharpie on one end of it.) and the micro function on my camera is too fun - it certainly brings out more detail than even i see in-person.

lavendar - from the back patio - on a dresser cloth from my dear, quirky-in-her-post-coma-old-age great grandmother. it's a good thing.

feeling too much and the psalms

“My joy is like Spring, so warm
It makes flowers bloom all over the Earth.
My pain is like a river of tears,
So vast it fills the four oceans.”
-from "Call Me by My True Names", Thich Nhat Hanh

I've lately felt that I feel too much. I feel my own emotions too much. I feel the pain (and hopefully joys) of the world too much. Of course, I'm exaggerating a bit - I don't really think I could quite ever feel too much. Rather, I'm glad that I empathize and am sensitive to the emotional contours of lots of experiences. It's a gift and a developed skill in some sense - but one can still wish to curse their gifts.

Of course, this is once again originally in response to a boy / in thinking about future/hypothetical boy. I was thinking, I need someone who can take my harsh words sometimes. As much as I desire not to be violent in deed or word, I think I would need someone who I could "beat up on" in a sense - who can take my raw, honest blows, and my emotion-filled ones. And simultaneously know whether to grab the essence of it, hang on to it for awhile and wrestle with it - or to just absorb it or let it slide off his back. And he would need to be adept at both taking those blows directed toward him and those directed at...*and this is where I had a little epiphany.*

I first thought "men" (generally speaking - you know, patriarchy, all that jazz),
then I thought "the world,"
then "sin/evil,"
and then I had this flood of things that I wrote into my journal. I will share an edited version, as this is the internet - a place where it is good to be at least a little discerning in what one writes.

I had a quite long list of things I wish to rail against at times, and toward which I wish to direct my river of tears - after "sin/evil," it continues:
poverty
illness (mental, physical, and otherwise)
disability
accidents
waves of sadness and pain for seemingly no reason but that I seem to feel the hurt of the world so deeply inside of me
hopelessness
realism
idealism
God
Jesus
structures and systems of oppression - or even just ones that are annoying or I don't agree with
bad dreams
bad memories
guilt
frustration
disappointment
self-doubt
fear of loss
loneliness - in both times of being alone, and in being with another person(s)
tiredness
boredom - oh, lord help me, please fend off boredom
purposelessness
lack of clarity about vocation
hate
genocide
lack of forgiveness
death
punishment
war
all the -isms
feeling trapped
lack of patience
vices
procrastination

...And I could go on and on.

And then I thought - well, I guess that's what God is for - taking all those harsh blows and those tears about all the things of the world that we get angry and cry about. That's a pretty tall order for any human person, if that's what God is for. But you know, the thing is, we human beings are made of bodies that cry actual tears and writhe about in anguish. And I firmly believe that God works through us as social beings - we reach out for and to other people who live and cry and writhe and rejoice in their bodies too. So anyway - while I think it's probably a lot to ask of any one person (a partner or otherwise) who would take all of those harsh words and tears themselves - they can still wrap their arms around a person who's needing to let all those things out. And I think that in the context of community, there are probably enough persons who could in conjunction absorb and comfort all of that pain.

And then I went to Wednesday evening programming at church on my evening off (yes, I am an utter and total church nerd), and though I wasn't planning to sign up for any Bible studies this fall, as soon as I heard, "a study on the Psalms," I thought - the Psalms - that's what I need. The Psalmist rails against God, rails against enemies, but also returns to God's comfort and steadfastness again and again. In addition to probably doing some things like working out, spending time in nature and contemplation, I think exploring the Psalms might help me to feel more grounded - to embrace and feel all of these diverse feelings directed in different directions - but perhaps from a centered place.

We shall see - I may drop my enthusiasm for this Psalms idea after a few days, just as I have become overwhelmed with my ever-growing list of ideas, to-do's, projects, plans, people to communicate with, super-important things to incorporate into my daily and weekly and monthly routine, etc., etc.

But I hope
that this effort to center myself
will prove somewhat effective
or successful.
I hope
to slow
down,
that I
may not
be overcome with each of these feelings,
but take them one at a time,
feel them,
creatively express them,
direct them where need be,
and let them rest.

Yes, feeling them all at once is liable to tear me up, inside and out.



*yay for epiphanies. i think this is what i'm getting at when i say i like "surprise" - i'm into people and things surprising me, and epiphanies are like "aha" moments that totally take you by surprise, make you dig a little deeper, offer wisdom, help connect the dots, etc.

plants

i've been reading about and discussing feng shui with friends lately. one of the things that i've read about is the power of plants. you're supposed to have at least 2 plants in each room. they do things like clean the air, absorb dampness in bathrooms and kitchens, different shaped leaves add different energies to a room and attract things like love, prosperity, etc., and they even absorb electromagnetic fields emitted from all electronic devices. some of this i buy more than other bits of it, of course.

but i've recently moved a couple plants from the desk room into the living room (eliminating a couple more of the beige pottery items), and i can't keep my eyes off of them - they're beautiful. just the color they add to the room is enough of a difference, but i think i buy the electromagnetic field thing too - plus the general softness the leaves add to the space, and the fact that they're living things instead of mass-produced, "rustic," beige pots.

i also bought us a new lavender plant for the back patio - yay! it smells and looks gorgeous, and i look forward to being able to use sprigs of it around the house and such. dean helped me re-pot it on saturday into a terra cotta pot. i love dirt!

of course, i also brought the plants i had before with me into the house - the broad-leafed one the lilly office gifted me after i broke my arm, the one that laura gave me that's struggled to survive since i got it (and i think i still owe the pot back to her mom), the little bonsai that i nursed back to health when ben left it for dead as a "table centerpiece" at dinner, and my baby pepper and tomatoes from the little salsa garden that brent gifted me seeds for my birthday. the pepper and tomatoes are now in larger pots on the ground next to the patio, and the tomatoes with cages around them. and - i just planted the sunflower seeds i got in the fall from the green church training i went to at belmont umc. i put a few on the hill in the backyard and a couple next to the patio - hopefully some of them will make it. i realized later that the ones on the hill probably won't work because it gets mowed regularly, but hopefully the patio ones will make their way.

my hopeful next plant endeavors:
-herb garden in the kitchen
-aloe plant in the kitchen
-joya plant for my bathroom
-maybe attempt a plant in their bathroom
-another plant in my bedroom
-a plant in each of the guy's rooms
-a colorful hanging plant above the front porch

oh, by the way - i put up a hummingbird feeder in the front, and when we pulled up the driveway the other day, i saw one flutter away! hopefully it didn't realize that i accidentally diluted the nectar and tell all her/his hummingbird friends.

and i found out that the shed near the back of our house does belong to this house, so i can put my compost next to it, instead of in the overgrown bed next to the patio, which seemed a bit close to the house, plus that bed just needs to be eliminated or a couple real bushes grown there.

that's all about my domestic plant doings for now. i can get a little carried away.

love. jessica

jean vanier is lovely

i listened again recently to an NPR interview - on the show Speaking of Faith with Krista Tippett, interviewing Jean Vanier. oh, and jean vanier is so lovely.

i'd been thinking of it lately, thinking i should listen to it again some time. i downloaded it and another interview in the spring when someone directed me to them, so i have them at the ready to listen any time i want. so i put it on to listen while i was doing some computer work at the library. and i just got so caught up in jean vanier's stories and reflections. his theology of the body, of concrete experience, of the value of persons with disabilities being of course each person's unique personality, gifts, etc. to offer, but also the universal fragility and vulnerability that they remind us of. they can teach us how to relate, how to love, of the importance of touch.

i have a link here to the transcript of the interview and you can download and listen to the interview as well. but i also have to copy and paste a couple of the more moving stories - 2 of my favorites:

Jean Vanier: Yes, I was sitting and there was a man who was a bit glum like a lot of people, a bit glum. And but, and anyway, there was a knock on the door. And before I could say "Come in," Jean Claude walked in and Jean Claude technically would be Down syndrome. And Jean Claude shook my hand and laughed, and shook the hand of the other fellow and laughed, and went out laughing. And the man that had been in my office looked at me and said, 'Isn't it sad, children like that?' And I mean, he, what was sad was that he was totally blind. He didn't see that Jean Claude was happy.


and the one that made me a blubbering cry-er in my little corner of the public library:

Jean Vanier: Yes, I, you see, L'Arche is not based first on the word. You'll find lot of communities which are based on the word, thus to say we speak of an ideal together and we are committed to an ideal or to a vision and so on. But L'Arche is based on body and on suffering bodies. And so they are seen as useless, and so we welcome those who apparently are useless. And it's a suffering body which brings us together. And it's attention to the body. You see, when somebody comes to our community and is quite severely handicapped, what is important is to see that the body is well. Bathing, helping people dress, to eat. It's to communicate to them through the body. And then, as the body can become comfortable, then the spirit can rise up. There's a recognition. There's a contact. There's a relationship.

We see this with some of our people, like Françoise. Françoise came to our community in 1978, very severely handicap. She couldn't speak, she could walk a bit, she couldn't dress herself, she was incontinent, and she couldn't eat by herself. And today, she is nearly 30 years older, 74, whatever it is, 76. She has become blind and a beautiful person.

There was somebody who came to our community not too long ago who was, saw Françoise and the reaction was, 'Oh, what is the point of keeping Françoise alive?' And the leader of the little house said, 'But madam, I love her." I mean, it's as if you come in to a home and grandma is in the home and she has Alzheimer's and you say, 'What is — but she's my grandmother.' I mean, so it's based on the body, and then from the body, relationship grows.


this is why i want to do l'arche, why i love l'arche - even as i have never actually lived l'arche itself quite yet. but i have indeed fallen in love. just as i fell in love with the order of deacon, i have fallen in love with l'arche. and i must pursue it, challenges, flaws, hurdles, hoops, and all.

and i must just make a side comment that in my reflections about the vanier interview and these stories, i was reminded of part of the reason why relationship with a particular person who i was in long-term, romantic relationship with - would have never worked, could have never worked (unless some serious changes of heart occurred - i am also a firm believer in possibility of surprise and change, because i have witnessed it). we had a conversation about his thoughts about persons who do not deserve to / ought not live - which was very similar to the story that vanier tells about francoise. my partner and i were speaking of such things as abortion and death penalty, and his belief was that persons who are a drain to society (read "economy") ought not live. so, persons with disabilities, persons who have killed another person and are on death row, etc. all ought not live - or at least they have lower priority for receiving resources than others who are contributing or show more promise for contributing to society (economy). i replied saying, well, you see, you might remember that i had this experience living 2 months with 2 dear people with developmental disabilities, and i carry with me from place to place some of the things they produced - artwork, jewelry, not to mention the memories and continued relationship with them that i carry within me. the artwork and jewelry can and does usually end up with a price on it and is taken to market, but generally you can't put a sufficient price on what i received from them, nor especially on their lives. they are contributing so much. and yet it isn't even about that. everyone-everyone-everyone is valuable, lovable, deserves to live. and i wish more people had opportunity to learn such lessons. and i think that is part of l'arche's mission which resonates deeply within me, and which i will take up in my work with l'arche. we need-need-need all persons who have been marginalized - persons who are homeless, persons with disabilities, persons with mental illness, etc. - because they remind us tangibly, visibly of our own vulnerable, fragile humanity, and teach us to be tender with those around us.

may we all continue to learn lessons in being human, living ordinary, difficult lives in our bodies, in relating, in loving.

love.
jessica

feeling healthy

After being in this new job/lifestyle a bit over a month, I am recovering from a holiday-weekend cold, which was no fun - but I'm actually overall feeling pretty healthy. I'm still learning how to get a full night's sleep each night, but I'm certain I'm getting more sleep than I was during the school year, and I am most certainly eating much more regularly and healthily than I was during school too. It feels so good to cook and eat a home-cooked meal every single evening, and on the occasional weekday and most weekends lunch and breakfast too. I know others who have lost weight after they graduate, and I have too - the burden of stress is lifted, we aren't sitting at a desk reading and writing every spare minute of the day, and we have time to cook - who'd have thought that could be such a recipe for healthful living? I am very much enjoying making home these days - and it's pretty amazing that it's my full-time job. In the first week or so of my job, I didn't think I would enter a honeymoon phase, but I think I may have entered it now. The guys crack me up every day, and I'm glad to be making home - period. Or semi-colon - of course, I have many, many questions about developmental disabilities, aging, medication, Progress, the day program, state regulations, community, authority, decision-making, communication, discipline, etc., etc., etc. But generally - I am very pleased with my decision about what would occupy my time post-graduation - and I think it is treating/suiting me well.

We'll see what I think in another month - and the month after that, and so on - and in a year. But for now, I'm happy - and I think I seem happy to other people. Cups that overflow are good things.

Love. Jessica

the little things

i think i already said this in my post about this new job, but something that's become one of my favorite things:

the prayer block i bought in england has been used at every dinner and many breakfasts at the house - more than it was ever getting used when i thought the printed prayers would be handy for folks who prefer not to pray out loud. jessica, it's simply a tactile part of the prayer experience - not a nerdy theological statement.

i had some others that are more humorous things, but they both involved bath time - if/when i think of some that don't violate my own interpretation of privacy/confidentiality with my job, i'll let you know. i'm trying to stick with themes that recur, things that lead to my own introspection, and reflections on progress and this field of work, versus stories about the guys. i think that's a good policy, right?

things i've become accustomed to saying on a regular basis

you're a silly goose.
that's my personal space.
did you get everything out? [in the restroom.]
seat belts!
we don't touch other people's things.
what do we say when we burp/toot? no, what do we say?
let's move! / let's keep moving!
time to ... it's really time to ... right now, it's time to ... actually, it's past time to ...
i know, we'll take care of that later. right now, it's time to ...
are you finished?
it's not a race.
that's called an annoying question. [this is a new one for me, as certain repeated questions are actually wearing on my nerves.]
that's not your job.
good job!
i don't know that song.
i don't know all the words to every song on the radio.
what happened to...? [this or that thing that went missing]
yes, you can ... [do/eat x or y thing you would prefer not to do.]
sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do.

but really, my all time favorite is "you're a silly goose." i'm finding it's a little like "bless your heart" - i can use it when i'm both frustrated, genuinely amused, and whatever combination of the two.

also, i took a little road trip

an addition to my last blog post - another decently big thing that happened recently in my life was - i escaped for almost a week for a little road trip!

i first went up to bloomington to visit my friend katie. it was sooo good to stay up every night catching up and discussing this and that, just like we were back in our little sojo cubicle pushing our roll-y chairs together or laying around in our bedrooms or the dining room at the house. we checked out the art museum on the iu-bloomington campus, local restaurants, the target (of course), and i got to see her office space in the social psych department where she does all kinds of important and exciting research on "subjects" in the lab.

then i went to harrison, ar to go to my friend joe's wedding reception - he and rachel were married in greene chapel in conway back in march, went to paris for their honeymoon, and celebrated with folks at rachel's parents' farm with bbq, cake, and fireworks. it was nice to have some quality time to catch up with joe and both of them together.

and my car isn't too much worse for the wear - i already got up to the mileage suggested for getting the oil changed - after making its way from north texas to nashville, then to indiana and arkansas, and back, it was ready for it.

and i was also glad for the escape - it was very good to have some me-time, and some dear friends-time. i have good people in my life, and it's always so very good to be physically present with them for even a brief while. it was also good to mark the end of the school year and get away between job training and starting job/moving. i got my little bit of vacation between life as student and "real-life" / life as direct support professional.

life is generally pretty good. i still have a number of little to-do lists floating around - both loose ends and thank you notes still from getting graduated, and from beginning progress/moving stuff - but i'm starting to feel like i can get a handle on it all. yay!!!

love, jess

graduated, new phase

hey folks,

as a note, i started this post on may 26 but i believe i actually completed it on june 9 - that may make a difference for those who know my actual timeline these days.

so, a fair bit has happened in my life since my last post - really, a fair bit happening even as i posted some of my last mid-finals-procrastination posts. but either way, a more 10,000-feet life update is much overdue - so here we go. i always aim for brief summary and end up with many more details and length. we'll see what happens.

first of all: i graduated. i now have my master of divinity degree from vanderbilt university. for 3 years, a fair bit of frustration along the way, but also a lot of good deepening of faith and academic work, and i have a master's degree i feel good about, from a school and a community i feel good about. i certainly have not mastered divinity by any means - more questions now than before, of course, which i think i expected, but i could not have guessed exactly what kind of questions i would have been pushed to ask. and the graduation process was very good - i had some sadness as the days approached, but when it came time, i was happy - very happy and content. i'm through! done! over and done with! i may be able to "resume" a healthy sleeping, eating, living, reading, etc. schedule - at least i think i have more opportunity to try. a bit nervous before baccalaureate just because i had been given the task to lead a communal prayer during the service - all i had to remember to say was "please remain standing" and "you may be seated," but still - i get nervous. i found both the baccalaureate and the divinity commencement to be very meaningful, inspiring, etc. it was very good to have my parents, sister, and rebecca and jonah in town. we had a graduation party at the house that evening. i even received a couple of awards at commencement - one for my contributions to the divinity community as a whole and one from the united methodist student association for my methodist-y activities. and i had some good end-of-year festivities with friends, co-workers, etc. leading up to the end of the year. and i preached a last sermon at calvary as a staff person, which i also felt good about - i got a bit weepy beforehand and just briefly both times i preached it - but there was a lot going on that sunday - mother's day, a flood that happened the previous weekend, saying goodbye, plus exegeting the lectionary text for the week. but alas, the theme of "home" tied it all together - of course! i am a "home"-maker at heart, i think - that is why i'm a deacon at heart and continue to pursue these orders. but i'll save more reflections about that for later. the point being - i graduated.

second of all: i have a post-graduation job! i have already moved in and begun working as a live-in companion with an agency called progress here in nashville. i live in a smaller town outside of nashville, but still in davidson county, with a couple of men with developmental disabilities. i am now in the "direct support professional" field. and man, oh man, have i been learning new lessons every day! this past sunday, i felt like i hit a stride with the guys. but my training and my first shifts and first few days living in the house left my head and heart spinning and a bit drained. a few themes:

-culture shock of race and socio-economic class, including, but not limited to: a condescending medication administration trainer, becoming a racial and educational minority (in number, not structurally of course) in most of my professional settings, having opportunity to chat about the day-to-day with various African immigrants and African American folks
-culture shock of the social work / developmental disabilities world, including, but not limited to: "rights" language v. practice, various personal styles of relating to clients, mounds of maze-like paperwork, being on "alert status," dealing with "the state," keeping funding, coded language of new acronyms, medical language, and other social work-y terms, etc., etc.
-the intense flow of emotions i knew very well i would experience but have been nonetheless difficult: feelings of incompetence, defeat, frustration, confusion, of feeling trapped, unfamiliar with surroundings, overwhelmed with new bits of knowledge from progress, co-workers, the guys, etc., desire for a partner to debrief and be present with, family to be close and thus not have to spend my nearly non-existent vacation days seeing them, interspersed with (ever-expanding) moments of and lessons in deep joy, laughter, satisfaction, blessings, and success in the little and big things (such as: just life in general - one of the guys will just laugh for no reason and get a big smile on his face which is infectious. and the other sweet-talks and says some of the funniest things. and the stability and authority i'm already developing in the house are already paying off, so that bedtime, getting out of the house of a morning or evening, etc. are not as much a struggle. my church community was incredibly welcoming of the guys at worship this past sunday. i'm continuing to feel more and more settled in my room and the house.)

oh, i could go on and on and on. i have a list i've been piling up to journal on personally and to blog on. i had a little online training about confidentiality and privacy, so i'm a little wary and unsure about how much i can share about personal details, such as diagnoses, etc., etc. - so i'll likely be tip-toe-ing and just not sharing some things here. but some things about just my experience working in this field are not client-specific and i have much to say about. so i look forward to processing with folks. my experience is already informing my thoughts about l'arche, so i look forward to getting my l'arche discernment group together to see what others have to say. which brings me to the other primary things i plan to do in the next year (i plan to give myself a year with progress and re-assess job/other aspects of vocation and occupation.).

third of all: i am still in process for ordination. my plan is to transfer to the tn conference and nashville district this summer. i'd like to get on track to write papers in the fall, meet with the board in the spring, and be commissioned as a deacon in the tn conference next june. then ordination would be 3 years after.

fourth of all: in addition to my progress job, my other next phase of l'arche discernment will be to bring together a small group of folks who could meet together with me every other week or so - for prayer and conversation to discern the future of l'arche in nashville. should l'arche nashville happen in nashville? could it? what would it look like? what would next steps look like?


and for those interested in a bit more of my day-to-day, yesterday i had the evening off, and had a lovely time - went to the east nashville farmer's market, where i bought more than i'd planned (i got a little eager and excited - since i had a csa last summer and worked wednesdays too, i hadn't been to the e.nash. market since 2 summers ago, surprisingly!): kenny's cheese, kale, squash and zucchini (3/$1! - and the zucchini was huge!), a peach turnover, and wildflower honey. yum! oh, and did you know that loofah is something you grow and harvest just like cucumbers or corn? there was a guy there selling them. i restrained myself, but i hope he comes back with them again another week. and then i met up with stephanie to expose her to rose pepper margaritas and catch up. and then i went back to the old house to chat with julianne a bit and take a nap in my old (carpeted) closet. oh, and i picked up the beer and pisco i had left at the house - i'll have to just keep it in my room and take with me to other peoples' homes mainly, but i certainly wasn't planning to forfeit my blue moon, yuengling, and most of all, my pisco. anyway - all in all, a good little evening away from the house. i'm finding at least my scheduled relief time off to be pretty fruitful thus far. my regular m-f 8-4 is still a little lacking, because meetings and trainings still keep coming up, and i've been getting moved, but i've volunteered at 10,000 villages once already and done a little bit of coffee shop sitting already, so i have decently high hopes for setting good boundaries and being productive during my time off.

ok, that's enough for now. i'll have to keep coming back and sharing the little interesting, funny, meaningful, and reflective tidbits that have already happened and that will keep happening.

oh, remind me to share about the prayer block - i love routine, and i love prayer, and i love it when others buy into those things to. ok, so basically, when i asked about whether they pray before dinner, i heard "dear father in heaven, thank for this food,..." - so we've been praying before meals! and i brought out my prayer block that i got at the sarum college book store last summer in england, that has short meal prayers on each side. it stays on the table, and since neither one read, they of course don't read the prayers - but i told them that it's a prayer block, and that when someone prays before dinner, they hold it. we hadn't used it a lot, but the other night, one of the guys picked it up on his own and started praying. cool-ness! don't we all love tactile things, something to do with our hands? and isn't it so good to use our bodies in our spiritual lives?

oh, and 2 more things!:
1) i found a list of the signs that one of the guys uses to communicate - why didn't someone show me to that sooner?! i've been piecemeal learning bits here and there. and i had a random dream the other night that he just started talking out loud - maybe a portent?? i don't know.
2) i bought paper, paint, brushes, and colored pencils! i hear they're good at painting, so i'm going to try it out with them. super-excited!!

oh, there are so many things to share about, but i'll really stop now.

much love,
jess

blog-urge, food/farming-companions

ohp, it caught me. an urge to blog - because i was being so productive before now and felt i deserved a break. that is just funny and silly. really, i am blogging because i've not done any work since 11:30am, and i still have many pages to write and an exam to study for. but you know, when a state of emergency is called in your city because everything's flooded, then you get home and realize the dining room flooded while you were gone, and all tomorrow's exams have been postponed, and you decide your body is exhausted of all energy and needs a nap, and a dear friend calls who you've been hoping to talk to soon, and your housemate (and you) want to gossip, and the dishes need washing, and the laundry needs doing, and you're about to graduate, etc., etc. - you can't very well be expected to be productive - especially in the midst of finals.

so what am i doing but comparing friends' blogs and wondering if i should convert to wordpress or change this or that about the appearance or format of my current blog? or should i be more disciplined about the topics i blog about, so that it's content worth reading? these are questions to be answered - later. after finals. when i have time to decide how my life is going to be after i graduate. after i graduate! aah!!!

so, really, what i wanted to comment on is how lovely and fun it is that i have so many friends that are so into food, and now quite a few are beginning to blog about it - how fun! first, my dear kvl started a blog for a few of us to post on with recipes, food experiences, etc. i've been a poor contributor to said blog, but i do hope to actually pay attention to this blog and even have things to contribute to it some day in the near future - and then actually contribute. i know blair has blogged plenty about food the past 3 years. jacquie is also posting many of her food practices. and now joe has a whole blog of his own about his culinary ventures.

and apart from the blogging aspect of food, i have a friend who is a chef in nyc, a friend in england who loves farming, procuring local food, and cooking with her husband and hopes to start a farm back in the states, a friend in boston working with a farm to school initiative, a friend who just bought with her husband a 2-acre piece of land in e.tn on which they will grow veggies and raise animals (and raise their baby), lots o' farming friends in nashville including a building momentum at the divinity school, lots o' friends who love cooking and eating in nashville including my dear closest girlfriends, all my sojo folks who i shared so many meals with, all my lilly folks who i shared so many meals with, even my mom and sister who have become interested in farming (even if through facebook) and of course my dad who has always been a big gardener, friends who are starting their own little garden plots, friends who are working on church gardens, my own church's community garden, and new friends all the time everywhere it seems that love-love-love food, want to grow it, want to cook it, want to learn about it, get their hands on it, want to have particular plots of land - in arkansas, tennessee, etc. oh, it makes me wiggle with delight.

and as for myself, i'm taking things in stride - i have my little salsa combo planter in my windowsill. 1 pepper, 2 weak cilantros, and a bajillion tomato seedlings which i tried to thin out from each other earlier. i really need to re-pot them but don't have new pots yet. (this is a task for after finals - along with fertilizing them.) i love tomatoes, so i'm soooo excited!!! i do hope they keep staying as strong as they've seemed thus far. but in the meantime, in just my little mini-gardening task earlier of thinning them, i got a little swept off my feet by the smell of the dirt, the pepper plant, and the tomato plants - these are the real deal. they're real tomatoes, y'all. they smell like tomato plants, and they're going to bear real tomatoes some day.

three words which bring me almost-eschatological joy - that is, if we're ok with saying the eschaton will be coming in early august. tomato. art. fest.

eeeeeeek!!!